Thinking back..

As our girls are approaching 11 months on Tuesday it is hard for me to not look back on the pregnancy and wish things had maybe been different. I think back to the pregnancy all the time. I try really hard not to look back and wish things hadn't been different in the end, but I do. I wish that at 30 weeks the girls wouldn't have developed IUGR and have to be delivered at 34 weeks b/c they simply couldn't grow inside of me. I wish so bad I could have done something to help them grow more and been able to stay in me longer. I especially remember the day before the delivery (we didn't know that then) we went to see a High Risk Specialist at UMC. They did almost 2 hours worth of detailed tests and sonograms. He threw out the word stillbirth about Olivia b/c everything wasn't doing what it should have been for her. He said if I was his patient he would send me to the OR immediately. My doctor made the final decision that the next day at 12 would be fine. It was, however it is was a hard day. I hate that I can't say it was the very best day of my life. It was a whirlwind of emotions. Having twins and then not being able to see them and have them right beside us was so hard. I think me and Jon did some serious bonding and growing as a couple in those 3 nights in the hospital. It was so hard. People would come visit and most didn't go to the NICU but a few did and bless their hearts- as we all know it is an ordeal. I just get sad and wish we had had those 3 blissful nights in the hospital and getting to share our babies with everyone. I know there is no point in rehashing b/c it's done and everything worked out perfectly. I am currently listening to 2 perfect little 11 month old girls playing, squealing and being nothing shy of perfect! I know how blessed I am- I just sometimes do think back.